Overnight

”You were the same man on sunday mornin' as saturday night”

Been rocking out to country, as usual, and today I was listening to Justin Moore's  ”Grandpa”. . .and that line immediately made me think it's what ”he” is not. I can't lie to him anymore about why I don't want to take him to church anymore. It's because I spend those Saturday nights with him and then seeing his Sunday face just makes me mad.

He's expressed an "almost guilt". Wishes he could undo. . .because I think he knows he played a part. Blame him? No. I'm an adult. I am responsible for my own decisions. He's just the one who introduced me to this "drug". I love him. I hate him. But, he is my best friend, whatever that means. I'm not prone to intimacy with the emotionally unavailable. . .and regularly just unavailable. I wish I could tell him I just need to talk, but he'd take it as clinginess. But still, I wish I could have that intimacy. . .the way we feel comfortable with each other. . .except lately as I've realised how dulled his emotion is, mine is supressed.

And she? Number 2 since I've been back. Boys come and sweep girls off their feet. . .and there's just so little there anymore. Please tell me I wasn't like that.

And, well, everyone is just new. There's no deep bond yet. Doesn't mean there won't be, but it takes time.

time. . .I've got a lot of it, but what good is it, when your battle buddy doesn't even have a clue?