Riddance

I got the message loud and clear. You don't want me here. Good. I don't want to be around either.

Why then, do you insist on repeating it over and over and over again, when we've clearly acknowledged our feelings? Why do you hinder me from doing exactly what you say you want me to do?

Reliability

I love reliable people. MANY of my friends are rather unreliable. Loan them money, don't get it back. Loan them things, never see them again.

I'm used to it. I don't part with anything I REALLY care about.

When I let J borrow my computer charger, he sent it back in well under a month. Wow. That really means a lot. Sure, if he hadn't I could have replaced it for very little money, not to mention it was an extra. But he sent it back in a timely manner. I like it!

Mentality

I think I have a tendency to scare people when I talk marriage. Why? I
speak candidly, and I think I often sound as if I am suggesting what I
find to be an ideal situation. But here's the disclaimer: I know that
people don't operate in these ideal situations. We live in real life and
we can't act like we live in a perfect world. . .cuz we don't. That
being said, I still offer the caveat as follows: don't settle. Because
s/he knows you aren't perfect, it doesn't mean you shouldn't attempt
perfection.

See, here's the thing--I'll make it perfectly clear that I don't want to
sit around on my tush if it's time to get married. I don't have a
problem with getting married quickly, if it's to someone who doesn't
have the entitlement mentality. We tend to think of marriage as
getting, when really, we should see it as giving. All the benefits are
not what it's about. It's about joining yourself to another when as a
pair, you can serve God and his people better than you can as
individuals. To simplify marriage into a equation, I choose to see it as
marriage=sacrifice.

Marriage isn't a fairy tale. It's not magical. And husbands don't
sparkle.

Marriage is a lifelong commitment. Think about that. Life. Long. I get
tired of a cell phone contract well before the 2 years is up. Now,
realising a 75 year marriage is a possibility is sobering. And I sure as
hell am not going to always feel swoonful over a man, especially when
he's in his 90s! Old and wrinkly. . .But marriage is meant to be a
CHOICE to love. Day in, day out, through the years. Through the
decades.

Still, I want it. In the right time. Yeah, soon. But not the result of a
rash decision made by one whose common sense is blinded by emotion and
hormones.

My heart is staying off my sleeve

I've never worm my heart on my sleeve when it comes to my affections.
Very few of my friends (and only females) have known of my attractions
to young men. I must say I'm glad for this. I've never had to face
being rejected by a man. It's never created an awkward situation for
me. I can be friends with him still, with no fear. Nothing goes beyond
a simple friendship because there is no dance of infatuation. Most of
the time, my attraction fades, as does the guy. No harm done. Even if
he does remain, there is nothing more but a glimmer of 'what-ifs', and
I'm free to allow my fickle heart to seek out its next object, leaving
behind no broken hearts. It prevents me from using him and he from
using me. I am content to leave the pursuing to the man. I seek to
have a greater degree of friendship and fellowship with my male friends,
and I'm glad that my affections haven't gotten in the way. There's
something in me that drives me to push a man away if I develop a strong
attraction to him, which I must say, has proven beneficial in not
exposing my heart.

ambivalence

Sometimes I can't exactly tell how I feel about California. I have so many ambitions, and sometimes one located in the golden state sneaks into my thoughts. I've considered coming back to Bible college. My aunt needs a nanny. But the whole money thing is hard. I have my dream job. I don't know what I want to do much less what God wants. I also think I want to move to Lubbock. But again I have my dream job. I have a bird in my hand. Why search for the ones in the bush?

I think I'm just stir crazy. I'm very transient I think.

Maybe I'll finish these thoughts later

Pharma 23

The Psych is my shepherd;

I shall not want.

He maketh me to sit down in green armchairs:

He giveth me a glass of still water.

He shalt "restore my soul! And leadeth me down the path of the
pharmaceuticals for my own sake!"

Yea(h), even though I shalt then walk through

the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I will fear no evil:

For Selective Serotonin Reuptake

Inhibitors art with me!

Thy words though they're lies, they comfort me.

Thou preparest a prescription before me for

presentation to mine chemist: thou anointest my

Brain with drugs; my serotonin runneth over.

Surely Big Pharma shall haunt me

all the days of my life: and I shalt live

in a brain badly damaged

forever.