Casualty

American Dream

noun

1.

the ideals of freedom, equality, and opportunity traditionally held to be available to every American.

2.

a life of personal happiness and material comfort as traditionally sought by individuals in the U.S.

I don't even think the first definition applies to what we consider the American dream anymore. It's become all about that personal happiness and material comfort. All we dream of anymore is marriage, kids, owning a home, having a successful career, and driving a nice car. 

I see how blind we are to the first definition. Do we ensure freedom and equality and opportunity for every American? What about the children who are sold for sex every night? Where is their freedom or equality or opportunity? And what about our neighbours? Could we ever be troubled to think about anyone but ourselves? Could we be bothered to love someone across a border or across the ocean?

I feel like every extra day I spend in Orange County just drowns me in the American Dream. There are so many broken people there. They need love. But I feel my great weakness is resisting the way my environment suffocates me. I don't know how to fight the pressure. I don't know how to even breathe when I'm surrounded by concrete idols.


My greatest fear is being a casualty of the American Dream. Of a life of schedules and patterns. I want a life that astounds me. I want a heart for people. And I want to love solitude again.

I don't know how to breathe in brown air.

note the gym to the right of the bridge. I've been in it. you can work out and watch 12 lanes of cars speed by. I suppose it's better than watching TV but I still don't get it. 

I'm supposed to feel special for living here.

downtown is dwarfed by the mountains.

I love those huge clouds. How blue the sky is. The purple mountain's majesty.

I really miss the crunch of gravel under my feet being the loudest thing I heard while walking the trails. I miss the freezing water of the creeks. Watching snowflakes tumble from the sky. The silence and the solitude and the realisation of how insignificant I am.

I just need a chance to breathe again. I need a reminder of how small I am. 

"We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls." -Mother Teresa

Mentality

I think I have a tendency to scare people when I talk marriage. Why? I
speak candidly, and I think I often sound as if I am suggesting what I
find to be an ideal situation. But here's the disclaimer: I know that
people don't operate in these ideal situations. We live in real life and
we can't act like we live in a perfect world. . .cuz we don't. That
being said, I still offer the caveat as follows: don't settle. Because
s/he knows you aren't perfect, it doesn't mean you shouldn't attempt
perfection.

See, here's the thing--I'll make it perfectly clear that I don't want to
sit around on my tush if it's time to get married. I don't have a
problem with getting married quickly, if it's to someone who doesn't
have the entitlement mentality. We tend to think of marriage as
getting, when really, we should see it as giving. All the benefits are
not what it's about. It's about joining yourself to another when as a
pair, you can serve God and his people better than you can as
individuals. To simplify marriage into a equation, I choose to see it as
marriage=sacrifice.

Marriage isn't a fairy tale. It's not magical. And husbands don't
sparkle.

Marriage is a lifelong commitment. Think about that. Life. Long. I get
tired of a cell phone contract well before the 2 years is up. Now,
realising a 75 year marriage is a possibility is sobering. And I sure as
hell am not going to always feel swoonful over a man, especially when
he's in his 90s! Old and wrinkly. . .But marriage is meant to be a
CHOICE to love. Day in, day out, through the years. Through the
decades.

Still, I want it. In the right time. Yeah, soon. But not the result of a
rash decision made by one whose common sense is blinded by emotion and
hormones.

Pharma 23

The Psych is my shepherd;

I shall not want.

He maketh me to sit down in green armchairs:

He giveth me a glass of still water.

He shalt "restore my soul! And leadeth me down the path of the
pharmaceuticals for my own sake!"

Yea(h), even though I shalt then walk through

the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I will fear no evil:

For Selective Serotonin Reuptake

Inhibitors art with me!

Thy words though they're lies, they comfort me.

Thou preparest a prescription before me for

presentation to mine chemist: thou anointest my

Brain with drugs; my serotonin runneth over.

Surely Big Pharma shall haunt me

all the days of my life: and I shalt live

in a brain badly damaged

forever.

Lovely

Well, I moved. Over a thousand miles away. I now reside in Colorado Springs, Colorado. What a lovely place it is! Daily, I am awed by the scenery. I see lots of horses, cows, deer, and squirrels! I see snow on the mountains, sunlight streaming through the clouds, illuminating Garden of the Gods from afar. Yesterday, I could see rain falling a few miles away, so I drove from the sunny side of town to the cloudy side, and enjoyed the rain. The wind here blows, bringing fresh mountain air in gusts. I'm watching a chocolate lab named Bono chase his tail and it's funny! I spend my days with an adorable infant named Edison. I absolutely love it here! Y'all come and visit me, ya hear?

And today I went to a 5th grade graduation where they played part of the song "Legacy." Cool beans